Today was a tough day. I had to do something that I hoped I wouldn't have to do but that I feel was absolutely necessary. I had to say good-bye to a friend. I can't trust him anymore and, without trust, there's no friendship. I talked to him for a while, let him know how I felt and why I was making this decision and he told me his side, mainly that he didn't want to lose our friendship.
At one point I considered it but I knew I couldn't, it wouldn't be healthy for me. I don't think we can be friends until he learns not to hide things from me (he doesn't have to tell me everything, only the important things, like if he got involved with another girl so that history doesn't repeat itself)and until I stopped having feelings for him. It's not fair to either of us if I keep waiting for him to realize I'm there.
I want to be able to give him an objective friendship and I can't do that at the moment. So we're not friends anymore. And it hit me just now how much I'm going to miss him...and I wish there was another way.
I feel like a helpless little kid who had to move away and leave someone behind. This is going to blow chunks but it's something that had to happen. If we're meant to be friends, we'll find each other again. Like Serendipity but hopefully in a shorter time span and without gloves or british accents.
I'm freaking out. I was supposed to leave for home in like an hour but now I have to stay because a friend of ours came back to Puerto Rico like 3 months early and its a big surprise for he-who-must-not-be-felt and his brother and I'm expected to be there. Now, don't get this wrong, I know this isn't about me and I'm happy his back, he's been missed but dammit! Stress level going into overdrive! I have to clean up my things, figure out how to deal with the mask and everything else in like twenty minutes. Plus I have to get home late causing my mother to throw a fit. Did I mention I'm freaking out?!
::whines:: I don't wanna be responsible anymore!!!!::end whine::
There is so much work left and I dunno how to fit it all in the little time I have. I'm surprised I haven't gone bald yet. Today is like the first day when we can actually go out and spent time, all six of us. And I can't go because I have so much work left. They're making me feel bad because I won't postpone it til tomorrow. Like I don't want to. I have to miss out on fun and he-who-must-not-be-felt! ::sigh:: Oh, well. It's not like it's the last time we'll all hang out together or like I'm never going to see him again so...yeah, priorities.
i hate being responsible
These past weeks have been tough. Every teacher decided to give out, at least, two projects for the same days. I haven't had a peaceful night since september, I think. Right now, I'm trying to finish a costume for tomorrow...but I'm not gonna be able to do it. I got a lot done in a day and a half though. I'm proud. I'll post pictures and drawings soon but right now I'm swamped. It's a bit of a comfort to actually have something to do, though, and to be relatively free of emotional problems. But there's a lot of stress, my head hasn't had a break from homework in ages.
I did get to see my brother this weekend though. He was in a small car accident, not even a scratch (thank God), so I had to go squish him. We saw four movies in one night. It was a nice break,though I had to do some sketches in between movies. His car looks like Terminator. Will post pics of that too.
What else? I managed six days without contact from he-who-must-not-be-felt. Started wondering if he even remembered I was alive. Eventually he called...was probably reminded to though so not a full victory...to put it in those terms.
I hope this weekend has some fun in it.'I'm dying my hair blue, probably on Saturday...should be fun!
20 facts about me
1. I’ve had a callus on the middle finger of my right hand since I learned how to write in kindergarten.
2. I have two scars under my chin, one in my belly button and two on my lower abdomen.
3. Silence makes me anxious but it calms me down too.
4. I love gay porn.
5. I have a birthmark on my right thing in the shape of a fish.
6. I’m a recovering cutter.
7. I still do it every once in a while.
8. When I’m anxious I bite my lip or scratch incessantly.
9. When I was little, I pulled out a tooth in cold blood for money. It wasn’t even remotely loose.
10. I’ve never broken a bone in my life.
11. I’m afraid of intimacy.
12. I remember things that didn’t happen in this lifetime and explain fact number 11.
13. Sometimes I can’t shut out the voices in my head who tell me I’m worthless and should do things.
14. I’m in love with a guy who doesn’t love me back.
15. I believe everything has a story and I feel the need to write it.
16. Sometimes I wander what it’s like to drink it all away.
17. I’ve never had a drink in my life.
18. I need at least two escapes in my life, e.g., T.V., books, music, art, running off, I used to cut, etc.
19. I have unholy nicotine cravings that I can’t explain. I don’t smoke, never have…never will
20. I’m dyslexic. Always in Spanish and sometimes speaking in English.
I've decided to leave out any unpleasantness from this journal and focus on the happy stuff.
I named his chicho! (Chicho is puerto rican for fat roll, gut or any other synonym.) I named it Bartholomew I even wrote it a poem because he wants to kill him and get all cut and hard when we all know Bartholomew is comfy. I claimed it as mine and forbid him to such a dastardly thing. I expect the chicho to be gone in a few months....if he stops being lazy (may he never stop being lazy.) On to the poem then. It's crap since I don't write poetry; don't really like it either.
Ode to le chichu
oh, le chichu
I have claimed thee
as mine own
ye shall be
^_^ I think my place at the loony bin has been reserved.